Caitlin Stinneford
Work in Progress
Somehow signing up for an internship to write a grant for Community Engaged Learning at the College turned into me being a Teacher’s Assistant in a Politics of Sexuality class and learning more about myself then I could have ever taught to anyone in that class. There were so many moments of revelation for me in that classroom; so many times when listening to stories of others I saw things that I had passed over in the passed or just never really seen.
I don’t know that I can pin it down to one day or one moment, but rather a series of moments that made me realize a lot about the men around me. I do a lot of work with educating men about sexual assault and topics surrounding it. I never really took the stance that all men were necessarily to blame for sexual assault, but rather that all men should be helping to end it. I always felt that the message would be stronger coming from a man because he wasn’t the one ‘whining and bitching’ about it. I still don’t think this is incorrect, but I realized a lot more of what I needed in order to get across the message I had worked so hard to promote.
I realized that it isn’t that men don’t care. Sitting in a classroom which was pretty equally distributed I was able to hear men really talk about sexual assault. I was able to sit there and hear what they really had to say about it and I was able to take a lot in. Listening to the boys in that class I learned that it wasn’t that they didn’t care about the issue, but rather they didn’t know how to relate. They said they didn’t know anyone who had been sexual assaulted and it was hard to just read about a topic and take a strong activist role in it. My knee-jerk reaction to this was, ‘Of course you know someone who has been assaulted. How could you think you don’t?’ And then it hit me; women don’t talk to men about the fact that anything has happened to them. Most women are not going to feel comfortable going to a man to talk about issues like this. And men who have been sexually assaulted almost definitely will not talk to another man. Men are left out of the loop and because of this they have a really hard time connecting to the cause. This was lesson number one.
One guy in the class did speak up and say how a family member of his was assaulted before he was even born. You could see the power in his face as he was talking about it. This generally very calm kid had a passion behind his voice when he talked about this and said that even he would not be able to stay calm if he met the man who had done this to the one he loved. Men have this passion in them. Men have this strong desire to care about causes like this, but not every man is going to show it by standing up and speaking out against this. This I knew. What I came to realize was that sometimes there are other ways to show support for this cause. Sometimes being a good person and saying something to just a few people is enough. His words were strong and people saw how this really could be their mother, sister, aunt or girlfriend. Lesson number two was never to doubt the power of a few words.
Then there was the guy I didn’t want to hear speak. He was the one that I knew I was going to get upset when I heard and I did just that. This guy proceeded to make the comment that girls should be able to defend themselves and that he knew his sister would be able to defend herself. He thought every girl should defend herself and not expect to be safe. This is where I lost it and told a miniscule part of my own story. I asked him if he thought that when a girl was hanging out with her guy friends, if she should have to be on guard and protecting herself. He and a few of the other guys agreed that with your friends you are supposed to be able to relax and feel safe and not be on your guard. I then explained that, that is when most sexual assaults occur and since this was the case, was a girl supposed to be on her guard at all times? All the guys had a look of shock on their face and agreed that a girl shouldn’t have to protect herself around her friends. This is where lesson three came in. I realized that the only way some people learn is by showing them the whole picture at once. These guys all knew that it happened and knew that there were many times when the girl knew the person, but didn’t realize that this meant a girl was supposed to be on guard all the time. Lesson three: sometimes you need to show the whole picture.
Overall, this internship gave me more than I could ever ask for. This gave me the chance to teach people about things I was passionate about, while I learned a lot more about myself and what I care about. The whole class was wonderful, but the men in this class really helped me to understand a lot and I can’t thank them enough for that. If I could pass on one piece of advice it would be to be ready to open your mind. No matter what your internship is you can take away a lot about yourself from it, if you allow yourself. Don’t be upset at those who make you question what you believe; you can take something from every one of them. This internship can give you a lot more than future job opportunities. This internship can give you a true look at yourself and the world you will be living in. Remember, everyone of us is still a work in progress.